Tracey Cox reveals the sexual positions to adopt that will not wake up the in-laws!
You are in your childhood room with your parents next door, your roommate is permanently glued to the sofa right in front of your room, the hotel walls are like paper and your children have razor sharp hearing. The holiday season may be the least sex friendly season of all.
Which is pretty boring since most of us half spend it and would welcome anything that doesn’t involve TV, eating or drinking!
But fear not – there are some sneaky ways to have sex so discreetly that you are sure not to wake the in-laws up.
Get it off the bed, keep your pelvis close and your movements subtle and you can get away with a murder.
Here’s a solution for every problem this holiday season has to offer.
Tracey Cox revealed how to have a sexy Christmas without worrying about waking up your in-laws or being trampled on while staying with family (stock image)
YOU COULD BE INTERRUPTED
Oral seated sex
Oral sex positions are generally much easier to get out of.
Even if the bed doesn’t squeak, seated oral sex works best on a firm surface.
So, switch to another piece of furniture like a chair (preferably armless) and have your partner sit on it. You kneel in front, place your arms under their thighs to bring them together, then position your mouth.
If you’re the one below, in the traditional position, rub up against your partner or lift up and down, closer or farther, to get the perfectly correct pressure – without having to speak a voice direction phrase. high.
If there is no chair, any furniture at the correct height can work. Try sitting on the back of a sofa (if it’s sturdy and stable) or jump onto a stable workbench or desk.
ONE OF YOU IS A WINNER
Missionary with hands over mouth
The bed isn’t the problem, it’s your rowdy partner. Usually you like those loud, grateful whines, but not when your mom is within earshot.
The solution: a good ol ‘missionary, keeping the pelvis tight and molding together, with the hands firmly placed on one or both mouths. It’s sexy and keeps you both focused on silence, as well as dampening the sounds that escape.
If missionary isn’t your thing, any position from behind works if you press your face against a pillow to stifle the moans.
Sexpert Tracey Cox revealed the best positions for squeaky beds and floors, and having sex with curious parents around
THE BED squeaks
Dog on the floor
The quick and obvious fix for over-enthusiastic bed springs: slide the bedding across the floor, place pillows under your knees, and doggy style with you two on all fours, penetrating him from behind.
Make it more interesting by changing the angle of the vaginal canal: either lean forward on your elbows and forearms, or sit down and lean back.
Her hands grip your butt firmly or slide to stimulate your breasts
THE FLOOR CRACKS AND THE BED squeaks
Standing leaning against a wall
If neither the floor nor the bed is an option, have sex standing against a wall.
If you’re both fit and strong, you lean against the wall, then put one leg up, followed by the other, wrapping them around her waist. He supports you, holding you under your buttocks.
If it’s too hard, place a stool in front so you can put your legs on it, or position yourself so that there is something on the right level to rest on. The push is tough, so go for a circular grinding motion and intense pelvic floor compression.
YOUR MOM IS LIKELY TO ENTER WITH A CUP OF TEA
Side by side sex with a vibrator
A calm, quality vibe is exactly what you need to sneak into holiday orgasms when others aren’t so inclined to strike first.
Lie side by side, as you would if you were discussing the quality of eggnog, maintaining a quiet vibe. (If you have an old rattle, wrap it in a t-shirt.)
The two maintain eye contact during orgasm, heightening eroticism and intimacy.
If someone comes in, start talking to cover up any hum as you find the “off” switch. It also works a treat in the spoon position, with it holding the vibrator against the clitoris.
HEADBOARD STRIKES AGAINST THE WALL
Edge of bed sex
You might as well hang a sign outside your door saying “Do not disturb.” We make love if the headboard beats at this gift rate!
Instead, stand at a right angle to the bed, then bend over, bottom in the air, resting your elbows on the side of the bed. He stands behind to enter.
YOUR DOOR DOESN’T HAVE A LOCK
Sex in the shower
Almost every bathroom door has a lock, running water muffles any noise and all that steam gives a glamorous movie set feel.
If sex in your bedroom isn’t an option, the bathroom is the next best thing. Time for when everyone turns around.
One of you says you’re going to take a quick shower, the other says they’ll have one after you, so it’s just a matter of timing with tact.
The easiest way to achieve penetration in the confined space of a shower is to stand in front of and bend over, lift your buttocks high to allow penetration and stand on the side of a tub. (solid, non-slippery) (if it is a shower over a bath).
YOUR CHILDREN COULD ENTER
Avoid embarrassing encounters by assuming the innocent spoon position. Both are lying on their sides, facing the same direction. Raise your top leg and bend at the waist to allow it to enter, then lower yourself down.
Stay under the covers, grind rather than push (feel a theme here?) And you can easily pull apart if little impatient faces appear, asking if it’s still opening time.
YOU ARE WORRIED, YOU LOSE CONTROL
Forget about your favorite positions.
Once you’re in the game you’ll forget about being quiet and revert to the traditional noisy thrust before you know it.
Instead, go for positions that make it impossible to push deep and hard.
Have your partner sit cross-legged on a firm surface. You straddle their legs and lower yourself onto their knees, using your hand to help them enter. Next, wrap your legs around their backs, so that you are sitting cross-legged on their knees.
Use those pelvic floor muscles to “milk” his penis and tighten your thigh muscles to create subtle but effective pressure.
There is face to face contact, so you can kiss passionately, focusing on the erotic zone that we all tend to ignore in the long run, the neck.
Add a slim vibrator for extra clitoral stimulation and enjoy the seat next to the ring to watch the action.
Check out Tracey’s new Soft Feel product line at lovehoney.co.uk – and listen to The Tracey Cox on jackradio.com wherever you listen to your podcasts.