“What women want men to stop doing in bed”
That’s it. The moment I was waiting for. We’re going to make love.
He unbuttoned my blouse and kissed me softly. I open his pants and savor the scent of his earthy cologne. Everything seems so magical. We may only have been going out for a few weeks, but right now it’s like we’re destined to come together for intense, passionate love.
Fast forward six minutes, and he leaves me to go to sleep. I literally took longer trips to the mailbox than the time it took this guy to ejaculate.
If you are a woman reading this, chances are you didn’t have to imagine it. You were already coming back to your own vivid memory of an eerily similar encounter.
Here’s what all my friends secretly admit: Most men suck when it comes to sex.
The number of women I know who wait for their partner to take a post-coital shower so they can grab their vibrator and finish the job themselves, would fill a football stadium.
And yet the number of men who use my inbox and comments section to brag about being generous and brilliant lovers seems to suggest that there is cognitive dissonance here.
If you think I am saying all of this because I hate men, you are wrong.
Not only do I love guys – including the one I’ve been dating for the past three years – I’ve spent most of my career helping them fuck.
Of course, I speak and write about the female sexual experience, as I am dedicated to destroying the stigma that surrounds it. But more than that, I’m doing it so we can all – guys included – open our eyes to what’s really going on here, do something about it, and start having better sex.
The truth is that men have been harmed as much as women when it comes to sex education.
There are no classes at school, nor discussions with parents, where boys learn about clitoral anatomy and the very sophisticated and often deeply individualistic way women experience pleasure. In fact, there is only one point of reference for all of the above: porn.
As someone who consumes X-rated content on a regular basis and encourages couples to use it as a catalyst for conversation about sex, I’m not here to demonize porn. I’ve actually given seminars and written extensively on the health and relationship benefits of consuming it (that’s for another column).
But I’d be doing you a disservice if I didn’t also point out that porn is a terrible teacher. Trying to learn more about female sexual pleasure through RedTube is like trying to learn more about relationships by watching Hollywood romantic comedies (spoiler alert, ladies: your partner will never appear in front of your window hugging roses in a limo playing La Traviata).
Porn teaches men that women’s orgasms are intense and fast; this time and gravity defying speed jackhammer is the best way to get her out. He says we love having our bodies contorted in more positions than an Olympic gymnast, and the one thing we enjoy more than being ejaculated is spending 40 minutes deepthroat your penis. like it was a kebab on a Saturday night.
Search by Public Health England suggests that at least 42% of women have shitty sex. As someone who has women all over the world opening up to me about their sex lives, I guess the real number is higher.
Many of these women are incredibly accomplished, confident people who are successful in every area of their life and then break the bank in the bedroom. Because, in case it’s not already obvious, women also don’t learn what sexual pleasure should look like.
What we know – but don’t say it – is; most of what our husbands and boyfriends do is not working for us.
So if you’re up for a truth bomb now, gentlemen, here it is.
Women don’t really like being human masturbatory sleeves. We don’t want to be plowed like sex is a race, and your penis is a tool of mass destruction. We would also be very grateful if you could stop twisting our bodies in as many physically tortured positions as possible. A few minutes to relax would be great, thank you.
Our temporomandibular joints would also be grateful if you stopped treating our mouths like clown machines. The only prize we get when you stuff as many bullets as you can, FYI, is the Locking Jaw.
And finally, if it wasn’t too inconvenient for you and your impatient pissed off, a few minutes of foreplay wouldn’t be wasted. At least 15 minutes before collecting $ 200 and spending GO would be ideal.
All this does not mean that women do not need to take responsibility here. Because the truth is, if you want a mutually fulfilling sex life, you have to stop waiting for your partner to read your mind.
Will your newfound honesty hurt his ego? Probably. But, from talking about sex to men almost as much as to women, I can also say that he prefers to take the hit rather than continue to deny you the pleasure.
Wrapping sex in shame and silence hurts us all. It harms our marriages, our physical and mental health, and our sense of who we are. Because when we don’t communicate about something as important as our pleasure, we lose a bit of ourselves.
So let’s all be real here, even if it hurts a few egos: sex so far hasn’t been great, guys.
But I’m telling you because I know for a fact that you are capable of much better, when you have the right information.
Nadia Bokody is a freelance writer and Instagram influencer. Continue the conversation on Instagram | @nadiabokody